20

A good friend and work associate told me today that I was "wise beyond my years" and that I should "write a book of life lessons." After I laughed myself hoarse for a few minutes, I realized she was serious. Me? Wise? I feel much like a bumbling idiot and perpetual rider of the proverbial short bus. Nevertheless, I have learned a lot. I am not one on whom life lessons are lost. I carry them. I evolve. I laugh at myself. If I didn't, it would be...well, stupid.

So I don't know if I'll ever fill a book, but I'll gladly share a few potentially helpful tips and insights. Take them with a grain of salt, and please, by no means replace the bible on your nightstand with a printout of this silly blog. Here you go, K!

1. If you invest in anything in your lifetime, invest in PEOPLE. Grow a family. This does not necessarily require breeding. Families come in different forms. Find your people, love your people, nourish them, and never take them for granted. In return, they will love and cherish you, and (more often than not) keep you sane. Invest in those people with everything you have, and you'll never be poor.

2. Money does make the world go round, and it is one of those necessary evils. HOWEVER, you don't need as much of it as you think you do. Trust me on that one. I can tell tales that would make you and your wallet cringe.

3. Douchebaggery is NOT gender-specific. I know just as many female jerks as male jerks. Ladies, give the men a break. They are hard-wired very differently than we are. Be patient. LISTEN. And remember that you can be just as much of a belligerent, insufferable buttface as they can, and you often are.

4. If you are going to be the type of friend who calls and wakes up your pal at 2:00 a.m. to cry over a dude or a bad day at work, you better be the type of friend who answers your phone at 2:00 a.m ready to listen to the same sh*t.

5. Your kids are WATCHING YOU. Homeschool them and shelter them all you want, but in the end, YOU are the textbook who they'll reference the most. If all your daughter ever sees or hears is you "acting a fool," dancing on top of bars and acting like a floozy, well then good luck telling her to study, work hard and keep her legs shut. Am I the perfect parent? Nope. But ask my closest friends and family how I carry myself in front of my boys.

6. After you've divorced or ended a serious, long-term relationship, dating is never as fun as you remembered it. In matters of love/relationships, learn to distinguish between "This is an annoyance that I can work through" and "This is irretrievably broken." Stick it out if you can. That green grass over there turns brown just as easily, and often more quickly.

7. NEVER do anything drastic to your hair while (a) euphorically happy, (b) depressed, or (c) pissed off. Level out first. You might THINK that model on the cover of that hair magazine looks uber-cute, but I have a grown-out pixie cut that begs to differ.

8. If you are the parents of children ages 5 and under, silence after about 8:00 p.m. is GOOD. Anytime prior to that? NEVER GOOD. Silence usually means that someone has ingested something inedible, found your stash of permanent markers, or worked up a real nice poop in his diaper.

9. Don't dismiss anyone's expressed feelings of sadness, anger or down-troddedness. You NEVER KNOW the full extent of what they have been through or what they are going through, and it doesn't really MATTER if you or anyone else has been through more trials than they have. The point is that a human being is hurting and needs you to be a friend. Don't miss your calling. If you do, then don't expect the level of compassion that you are never willing to put out into the universe.

and part deux to #9 is:

10. LET PEOPLE FEEL THE WAY THEY FEEL. It might not be how you feel or how you *think* you'd feel if you were in their shoes. But no one is "wrong" for feeling differently than you. Again, if you can't be an ear, don't expect anyone to do the same for you.

11. NEVER complain about your weight to a chubby girl. If you're fishing for a compliment, you're more likely to get a kick in the bony kneecap. And on that note, no one wants to eat breakfast, lunch or dinner with you if all you're going to do is discuss your diet and assess everyone else's at the table. Don't be that guy.

12. Recently-divorced women will likely not want to come to your wedding, women who have recently miscarried will likely not want to come to your baby shower, unattractive women will likely not want to come to your MaryKay skincare party and single moms who are broke will likely not want to come to your designer purse party. No offense. We love you, but there are less painfully awkward things that we'd rather be doing...like getting a pap smear. Or eating glass. And then taking a laxative. In no particular order. You're just going to have to forgive us.

13. Cereal can be eaten at any time of day. Because I say so.

14. Write it down. Reflect on it later. Share it if you can. You'll often find that you've grown, and you'll feel good about getting a "visual" of the progress you've made. At best, you might help heal another soul who is just entering a chapter similar to one that you've already closed.

15. Before she evolved into the woman who now hen-pecks you all to hell for not calling for days at a time, your mom was just a girl, and she was faced with some of the same (and some very different, but not necessarily EASIER) trials as you. Learn from her. Step in her shoes. At best, you will develop a stronger bond. At worst, you will know why you don't want to follow in her footsteps. But either way, trust me when I tell you that you will be left with a hole in your core when she leaves this Earth. Give her a hug, would ya? And for Pete's sake, just CALL HER!

16. Break into song and dance whenever possible. It's what Jesus would do.

17. If you can't afford it, don't buy it. If you've lived this long without it, you don't need it.

18. Extremes of any kind are never good. This includes politics. ESPECIALLY politics. This is not a "One Size Fits All" world we're living in, kids.

19. Second chances are rarely deserved. Third chances never are. By the time you get around to giving someone or something a fourth chance, you're just asking for it.

and

20. You never really know yourself until your faith and stamina have been put to the test. Never miss out on a good lesson.

Until next time, lovies.