An Unfortunate Side-Effect

When you've been through sickness, trials and tribulations, you somehow (and sometimes deservedly so) earn rank as a sort of subject matter expert amongst your friends and family. When we figured out Cole had eczema, I turned to my adult cousin who had been living with it since childhood. She was my subject matter expert on skin maladies. When I'm heading to the Orlando area to the theme parks or for shopping, I call up my friend who has lived near and worked at Disney for ages. He is my subject matter expert on the City of Orlando. When I am trying to shop healthier, I call on one of my many vegan and/or health food-fanatical friends. They are my subject matter experts on healthy living.

Although I am personally often asked for parenting advice (and I don't offer it up unless I'm asked, by the way), lately it's become clear that I am the go-to person on a very uncomfortable, touchy subject: cheating husbands.

Hooray for me.

I am apparently the subject matter expert on cheating husbands. Since my separation and subsequent divorce more than a year ago, I have been approached by no less than EIGHT of my female friends, giving me scenarios and intimate details of their personal lives, and asking if their husbands were cheating on them. So, here it is - fairly short and less-than-sweet - and I'm going to be as real as it gets, ladies (and perhaps gentlemen, too).

I don't know if you're boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/wife/husband is cheating on you. Hell, I didn't even know that MY husband was cheating on me. Our...ahem...bedroom habits were the same, we were still talking as we always had, and the very night that I found the text messages that detailed more than I ever needed to know, he told me that he loved me and was "in it for the long haul." We had been married more than 7 years, together for 10.

There are no guarantees in life, and we cannot predict or control whether or not our partners will always be forthcoming and faithful. But here's the thing...

WHAT IS YOUR GUT TELLING YOU?

Had I not gone with my snap gut instinct, I might still be married to an adulterous coward. What I mean here, ladies, is that IF YOU'RE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WONDERING ABOUT IT (AND SHARING YOUR FEARS WITH FRIENDS), YOU ALREADY KNOW.

YOU ALREADY KNOW.

And that's that. Be honest with yourself.

Your challenge is not fact-finding. Your challenge is how you are going to handle yourself. How do you want to live? How do you want your children (potential or otherwise) to live? In a perfect world, my children would have two parents who upheld their vows and stuck together. I upheld mine. But I was not given a choice in the matter. I was not in control of another person's urges and pregatives.

Do you really want to be the boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife who secretly logs in to your significant other's social networking profiles to spy on him/her, or worse spy on all of his/her exes? (Hello? Neurotic, party of one?) Do you really want to wonder EVERY TIME HE/SHE LEAVES THE HOUSE if he/she's going where he/she says he/she's going? Do you really want to sit down and audit his/her cell phone records and demand to read texts and/or interrogate him/her on every call he/she makes or takes? Are you REALLY that person? Is that who you want to be?

If you already are, then YOU ALREADY KNOW.

Do something about it. Don't wonder. LIVE.

LIFE..IS...TOO..MOTHEREFFING..SHORT.

If you can work it out, by all means DO. FIGHT. But he/she has to want to fight, too. It takes two to make a thing go right (and make it out of sight, for that matter). But in the event that you find yourself fighting alone, don't be a victim. Emancipate him/her. But more importantly, emancipate yourself. Am I encouraging divorce? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Truth be told, I gave my ex-husband 48 hours to choose to either work out our marriage or go down another path with another woman. He chose her. Had he chosen me, would it have worked out? Probably not. Cheaters don't really change. It's just an unfortunate universal truth that applies to both men and women. And in the end, the message that I did NOT want to send my children is that there is no accountability for people who break promises and vows. THERE IS. Karma sometimes takes a little longer than anticipated, but when that bitch shows up, she makes one hell of an entrance!

I will never let anyone treat me that way again. I will never let my children see such a disrespect and disregard for one's responsibilities, or feel so tragically misprioritized by either one of their parents. I didn't get a real choice on the front-end, but these are my choices for my life thereafter. For me. For them.

I am here for my friends. I will answer you honestly, and I will listen to you beat whatever dead horse you need to beat at the moment. But please don't make me your expert on adultery. All of the answers you are asking of me have already been answered by your subconscious. LISTEN. You'll find that it's rarely wrong.

Still standing better than I ever did. ;)