Island

I had a great day with my sons today. Just me and them. I called just about everyone this morning and even posted on Facebook where we were headed, in the hopes that someone would want to connect and spend some time with us. We ended up on our own and had a great time. I expected as much, but was just hopeful for a connection to the world outside of my own household. But then as the evening has progressed, I jumped from social networking site to social networking site to see that the world is up to so many things together that I am not invited to. On this holiday weekend, families are swimming and throwing parties and barbecuing and golfing and having a blast, and inviting people who are no closer to them than I am. People who are my friends and family. I am left out, and it's really weighing on me. -My single, childless friends don't include me because I have children. -My married friends, childless or otherwise, do not include me because no one wants to have the third wheel and/or no one wants a youngish single, available woman anywhere near the husbands. I know some of you are protesting, "That's not true!" but I actually had one female friend admit to me, "I don't want my husband to realize how much more fun you are than I am" after I found out that I was the only one excluded from a weekend outing. -At the moment, all of my other single parent friends have significant others. Not only do they have significant others, but they have significant others who don't object to spending time with them even when their children are there. I don't have that. Not even a trace of it. I've been trying so hard lately to put myself out there. I have been participating in after-work activities, attending fitness classes and signing up for things in an effort to meet people who are like me, or maybe even meet a companion who could be something more to me. But tonight, all I feel is lonelier than I did yesterday. I knew being a single mom would be hard financially, but I knew I'd make it work. I knew it would be hard to get over my ex-husband's betrayal of me, but I did, and we're on great terms. I knew that someday I'd long for the love and attention of someone other than my sons, and I've caught and released quite a few fish back into the proverbial sea. But I never really fathomed how alone in the world I would really feel. I grew up with a bevy of cousins living next door to me or within 10 minutes of my house, and I was never short on friends, family, boyfriends and people who wanted to share my time. Today, I am almost 35 years old, and I'm an island. I wish things were different. I wish I weren't so sad.